Wise Women Speakers Association

Speaking the truth in love

This month’s column is dedicated to sharing my response to a coaching question that was submitted by a reader.  

The Reader’s Question

The reader wrote in to describe the challenge that she is currently experiencing with co-workers who are no longer as friendly or supportive as they were prior to her most recent promotion.  She ends her description of the issue with the question: “How do I deal with my jealous co-workers and regain their friendship and support?” 

To summarize, the reader wanted to know how to deal with co-workers who are not happy about how well her career is going.  She started work at her company about the same time that three other individuals started.  Early on, they all became friends.  Two of the co-workers are female and one is male.  While they have all done well in their careers during the 5-6 year period that they’ve been with the company, the reader is clearly the stand-out in the group and has worked especially hard to be successful on the job.  In the beginning, when she did well and got promoted, her co-workers appeared to be genuinely happy for her and even took her out to celebrate, just as she did when one of them got promoted.

 However, after her most recent promotion, she has noticed a distinct coolness towards her from each of her co-workers.  She is not included as often in after work outings and she frequently is the subject of a lot of jokes and so-called ‘good-natured ribbing’ about her being a “water walker”. She suspects that the jokes and comments include a lot of indirect messages about her perhaps being a bit too ambitious and career-focused.

The Coaching Response

After a few e-mails exchanges with the reader, in order to clarify the issue; I offered the following response: 

Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, even those who are close to us and care about us can sometimes fall prey to the attributes of the green-eyed monster known as jealousy. There are many Biblical examples of jealousy.  A few examples are Sarah’s jealousy of Hagar, Cain’s jealousy of Abel, Rachel’s envy of Leah, King Saul’s jealousy of David and Miriam’s jealousy of Moses and the list goes on. My coaching advice is Bible-based and requires deciding to choose the high road in responding to the perceived change in their behavior towards you.  You never want them to be able to accurately state that you have been the one who has changed.  Whenever a co-worker makes a comment that wounds you, let them know immediately that you are hurt by the comment, even when though it was couched in humor.  That way, you provide an opportunity for them to clarify their ‘true message’.  If the person does not offer clarification regarding his or her intended message, then share with them that you are puzzled by the comments and that you need to understand what the individual is really feeling.   During the conversation, make sure that you succinctly and factually state what has occurred and refrain from attributing any ill-intent to your co-workers.  Discuss only their actions and behaviors, since you can only speculate about what is really going on in their heads and hearts.  Your intent is not to make them feel bad about their behavior; that will eventually occur on its own, if they are really true friends.  Rather, your intent is to create an opportunity for dialogue so that you can learn what has changed in these workplace friendships.  You may find out that the relationships are not salvageable.  In which case, you will have to work on establishing new and healthier relationships that will be mutually rewarding.  Sometimes with friendships, as with other investments, we have to cut our lost and wisely move on.

Let me close by sharing a Biblical story about jealousy and the power of brotherly love, patience and prayer.  As you may recall from the book of Exodus Moses’ sister and brother complained about his importance. God judged their jealousy; He brought them into His presence and punished Miriam with leprosy. Then Moses prayed for his sister, and God healed her. This wonderful story of patience and forgiveness offers four steps for dealing with anyone that you perceive as being jealous of your good fortune. 

First, check your own attitude. The Book of Numbers says that Moses was the most humble person in the world (12:3). That meant he didn't flaunt the importance of his job or let Aaron and Miriam know indirectly how indispensable he was. He kept his mouth shut and faithfully did his work. Examine yourself and make sure you aren't bragging about your blessings—either in words or in attitude!

Second, take the matter to God. When Miriam and Aaron complained about Moses, the matter was resolved in front of God Himself. If others are envious of you, make this a matter of private prayer.

Third, leave the resolution of the other people’s jealousy to God. Notice that Moses did nothing to correct his brother and sister! God is able to deal with jealous attitudes without your help. If others are jealous, your admonishment of them about their attitude and behavior won't make matters better. Allow God to deal with their heart problem in His own time.

Fourth, pray for those individuals! Moses' only action is this entire story was to pray for Miriam's restoration. In the same way, pray for the well-being for those that you perceive as being jealous or envious. Ask God to give them satisfaction and success in their own lives. (See Luke 3:7-20 and 1 Corinthians 12:1-11.)

This coaching feedback can be utilized in a wide variety of situations and not only in the workplace.  Think about similar situations and consider using the suggestions that were given to the reader.  Until next month’s coaching column, be blessed and remember, it’s your Life and I’m Coaching you by the “Book”!